The Cookout

sourgrapes · 10/4/21

I always liked the concept of being friends with someone first before dating them. It establishes a bond without the entanglements of lust, romance, and infatuation. It doesn't come easy though. Most of the time, you will know if you are interested in making something more or not right away and if you hold back on that, you risk losing them to someone else.

If being friends first was an option for you, would you take that option?

lexodyssey · 10/4/21

Yeah, definitely. It depends on the person and situation, but establishing a strong bond is the key to a good relationship. Hopefully, the person you marry is your best friend so why not have that friendship early on?

The Honorable · 10/4/21

I do not like the term "friends first" because it alludes to the relationship being platonic with romance being some random far off probability. I feel the more accurate statement is "building our relationship on a foundation of friendship". The latter statement shows that you are indeed in a relationship but are choosing to forgo sexual activity in hopes of building a partnership not founded on lust.

If that is the true sentiment being expressed, then I wholeheartedly concur that it is the best way to approach relationships. When you lead with the physicality, it is much easier to end up in a toxic situation. You need to learn your partner, understand your partner, learn how you communicate, learn how you resolve issues, and etc to understand compatibility.

Once that is complete, the physical will help strengthen that bond and give you that experience that only and your loved one shares.

sourgrapes · 10/5/21

The Honorable said:
I do not like the term "friends first" because it alludes to the relationship being platonic with romance being some random far off probability. I feel the more accurate statement is "building our relationship on a foundation of friendship". The latter statement shows that you are indeed in a relationship but are choosing to forgo sexual activity in hopes of building a partnership not founded on lust.

If that is the true sentiment being expressed, then I wholeheartedly concur that it is the best way to approach relationships. When you lead with the physicality, it is much easier to end up in a toxic situation. You need to learn your partner, understand your partner, learn how you communicate, learn how you resolve issues, and etc to understand compatibility.

Once that is complete, the physical will help strengthen that bond and give you that experience that only and your loved one shares.

That is basically what I mean here. You don't put sexual stuff on the table. You keep the romance and everything under lock until you get to know each other more and care for each other without it altering your perception. We often will get gaslighted by our own self-will because the romance, sex, etc. are good and overlook how terrible the person is for us.

The Honorable · 10/5/21

sourgrapes said:
That is basically what I mean here. You don't put sexual stuff on the table. You keep the romance and everything under lock until you get to know each other more and care for each other without it altering your perception. We often will get gaslighted by our own self-will because the romance, sex, etc. are good and overlook how terrible the person is for us.

Yes, I've been there, done that, and got the T-Shirt. My worst relationship was one where we rushed into intimacy and it clouded our judgment. After a couple years I came to the realization that all we had in common was sex and we crashed and burned after that.

Goldilocks · 10/5/21

The Honorable said:
I do not like the term "friends first" because it alludes to the relationship being platonic with romance being some random far off probability. I feel the more accurate statement is "building our relationship on a foundation of friendship". The latter statement shows that you are indeed in a relationship but are choosing to forgo sexual activity in hopes of building a partnership not founded on lust.

If that is the true sentiment being expressed, then I wholeheartedly concur that it is the best way to approach relationships. When you lead with the physicality, it is much easier to end up in a toxic situation. You need to learn your partner, understand your partner, learn how you communicate, learn how you resolve issues, and etc to understand compatibility.

Once that is complete, the physical will help strengthen that bond and give you that experience that only and your loved one shares.

Perfect answer

Jay · 10/5/21

I think “friends first” is not always so

The Honorable said:
Yes, I've been there, done that, and got the T-Shirt. My worst relationship was one where we rushed into intimacy and it clouded our judgment. After a couple years I came to the realization that all we had in common was sex and we crashed and burned after that.

Bruh I have been there and paying child support due to it. When you come to that realization that there is really nothing there...you don't like the same movies, don't like the same activities, don't like the same music, don't like the same foods it makes the relationship feel empty. After awhile we looked at each other and realized we were strangers with a kid. We are much better off now that we are separated.

The Honorable · 10/5/21

Goldilocks said:
Perfect answer

Thank you Sista.

Jay said:
Bruh I have been there and paying child support due to it. When you come to that realization that there is really nothing there...you don't like the same movies, don't like the same activities, don't like the same music, don't like the same foods it makes the relationship feel empty. After awhile we looked at each other and realized we were strangers with a kid. We are much better off now that we are separated.

That is the perfect explanation of it. We started to argue and that was what showed us that there was nothing there. We would argue to come back to state of lust rather than a state of love.

Bruh Man · 10/5/21

sourgrapes said:
I always liked the concept of being friends with someone first before dating them. It establishes a bond without the entanglements of lust, romance, and infatuation. It doesn't come easy though. Most of the time, you will know if you are interested in making something more or not right away and if you hold back on that, you risk losing them to someone else.

If being friends first was an option for you, would you take that option?

see this is how shit be lowkey looking like game playing. @The Honorable kinda summed it up but yall cant be having dudes think u putting em in the friends zone cuz he either gonna bounce or keep a side piece until you come around. If yo intention is a relationship make it clear so that bruh knows what he in for. Friendship first ain’t real, women don’t have friendships with men they attracted to and men don’t either.

Nesut · 10/5/21

I won't even use the word friend if I'm attracted to you.

We don't kick it, we go out on dates.
I'm not your good friend, I'm a potential suitor.
I'm going to flirt with you so that you know what I want.

No ambiguity. I'm going to make you have to form an opinion on me one way or another.

The Honorable · 10/5/21

Nesut said:
I won't even use the word friend if I'm attracted to you.

We don't kick it, we go out on dates.
I'm not your good friend, I'm a potential suitor.
I'm going to flirt with you so that you know what I want.

No ambiguity. I'm going to make you have to form an opinion on me one way or another.

sourgrapes · 10/6/21

Bruh Man said:
see this is how shit be lowkey looking like game playing. @The Honorable kinda summed it up but yall cant be having dudes think u putting em in the friends zone cuz he either gonna bounce or keep a side piece until you come around. If yo intention is a relationship make it clear so that bruh knows what he in for. Friendship first ain’t real, women don’t have friendships with men they attracted to and men don’t either.

The point was saying that a relationship built on lust that has no friendship will never last. I have a friend who is married and she always says she married her best friend. You can see the friendship is real with them. They are completely bonded on all levels so nothing and no one can break them.

Bruh Man · 10/7/21

sourgrapes said:
The point was saying that a relationship built on lust that has no friendship will never last. I have a friend who is married and she always says she married her best friend. You can see the friendship is real with them. They are completely bonded on all levels so nothing and no one can break them.

ok I feel you sis.

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