The Cookout

sourgrapes · 9/21/21

I am an open person. I have dated different types of men be it race, background, height, or weight but it is clear that there are some real weird people out there who look to fetishize these things. I have met men who will only date Asian women (Chinese, Japanese, Korean) and they were white or black. I have met women who will only date black men and they were white. I even met an Asian man who only found black women beautiful (but to his own standard of beauty).

We all have our preferences but when does a preference cross the line and become a fetish? What are some signs to look out for? I want to hear from both ladies and gents on this one.

lexodyssey · 9/21/21

I haven't dealt with that personally so it's hard to say. I think it's fine to have preferences but when they start wanting/insisting you to play out racial stereotypes is when it can possibly be a problem.

Also, when your race is all the person can talk about, even if it's a compliment. Things like "you're my beautiful girl" become "you're my beautiful black girl". Those are some signs I would look out for but I guess it's up to the one being fetishized to decide if they're uncomfortable or not.

Nesut · 9/21/21

sourgrapes said:
I am an open person. I have dated different types of men be it race, background, height, or weight but it is clear that there are some real weird people out there who look to fetishize these things. I have met men who will only date Asian women (Chinese, Japanese, Korean) and they were white or black. I have met women who will only date black men and they were white. I even met an Asian man who only found black women beautiful (but to his own standard of beauty).

We all have our preferences but when does a preference cross the line and become a fetish? What are some signs to look out for? I want to hear from both ladies and gents on this one.

I think Lex's post summarizes my thoughts as well. It becomes a fetish when they only see you for the item of interest rather than for who you are as a whole person. For instance, a person with a foot fetish is going to focus on your feet and basically treat the rest of you as something they have to deal with to get to the feet. It makes you feel objectified and minimized. I been fetished because of my race and I felt so weird.

lexodyssey said:
I haven't dealt with that personally so it's hard to say. I think it's fine to have preferences but when they start wanting/insisting you to play out racial stereotypes is when it can possibly be a problem.

Also, when your race is all the person can talk about, even if it's a compliment. Things like "you're my beautiful girl" become "you're my beautiful black girl". Those are some signs I would look out for but I guess it's up to the one being fetishized to decide if they're uncomfortable or not.

sourgrapes · 9/22/21

Nesut said:
I think Lex's post summarizes my thoughts as well. It becomes a fetish when they only see you for the item of interest rather than for who you are as a whole person. For instance, a person with a foot fetish is going to focus on your feet and basically treat the rest of you as something they have to deal with to get to the feet. It makes you feel objectified and minimized. I been fetished because of my race and I felt so weird.

lexodyssey said:
I haven't dealt with that personally so it's hard to say. I think it's fine to have preferences but when they start wanting/insisting you to play out racial stereotypes is when it can possibly be a problem.

Also, when your race is all the person can talk about, even if it's a compliment. Things like "you're my beautiful girl" become "you're my beautiful black girl". Those are some signs I would look out for but I guess it's up to the one being fetishized to decide if they're uncomfortable or not.

Okay, this makes sense. Like a person can be attracted to a certain race (and have a preference for it over others) but if the focus of the entire person deals with their culture, heritage, or skin color then it is clearly a fetish.

I know we can't help who we are attracted to but I also know these kinds of people exist. Have to be careful when dating outside your race!

Jay · 9/22/21

sourgrapes said:
Okay, this makes sense. Like a person can be attracted to a certain race (and have a preference for it over others) but if the focus of the entire person deals with their culture, heritage, or skin color then it is clearly a fetish.

I know we can't help who we are attracted to but I also know these kinds of people exist. Have to be careful when dating outside your race!

YEs! I went on a date with a Portuguese woman and it was so awkward because she kept bringing up how tall I was and how brown my skin was. I felt so uncomfortable, she was treating me like something she'd put in her nightstand and take out when ready. I didn't feel like a person during the conversation, I felt like an object or a goal to hit. Like she always wanted to sex a Black guy and I was her way in.

NOPE, not me. I was like:

Some people confuse fetishizing as praise...I was in my head "ok, I'm tall and Black we get it...I'm also smart and enterprising...did you notice that as well?"

sourgrapes · 9/23/21

Jay said:
YEs! I went on a date with a Portuguese woman and it was so awkward because she kept bringing up how tall I was and how brown my skin was. I felt so uncomfortable, she was treating me like something she'd put in her nightstand and take out when ready. I didn't feel like a person during the conversation, I felt like an object or a goal to hit. Like she always wanted to sex a Black guy and I was her way in.

NOPE, not me. I was like:

Some people confuse fetishizing as praise...I was in my head "ok, I'm tall and Black we get it...I'm also smart and enterprising...did you notice that as well?"

Damn, I would have done the same! That had to be so awkward. Like no matter how attractive a person is, there is a level of degrading behavior that should just not be acceptable by anyone. I have read things online from both men and women and they settled for being an object because the other person was wealthy or attractive and that is just all kinds of wrong.

Deleted member 1946 · 5/8/23

If something is not practiced by a majority of the population but is heavily desired by a minority of the population, then it might be a fetish.

Deleted member 1946 · 5/9/23

sourgrapes said:
I am an open person. I have dated different types of men be it race, background, height, or weight but it is clear that there are some real weird people out there who look to fetishize these things. I have met men who will only date Asian women (Chinese, Japanese, Korean) and they were white or black. I have met women who will only date black men and they were white. I even met an Asian man who only found black women beautiful (but to his own standard of beauty).

We all have our preferences but when does a preference cross the line and become a fetish? What are some signs to look out for? I want to hear from both ladies and gents on this one.

This is a very interesting topic since a person's preferences can change over time as a person travels around.

Deleted member 1946 · 5/9/23

sourgrapes said:
Damn, I would have done the same! That had to be so awkward. Like no matter how attractive a person is, there is a level of degrading behavior that should just not be acceptable by anyone. I have read things online from both men and women and they settled for being an object because the other person was wealthy or attractive and that is just all kinds of wrong.

I have heard of this too. Some folks like spitting in folks' mouths. SMH.

Deleted member 1946 · 5/9/23

Jay said:
YEs! I went on a date with a Portuguese woman and it was so awkward because she kept bringing up how tall I was and how brown my skin was. I felt so uncomfortable, she was treating me like something she'd put in her nightstand and take out when ready. I didn't feel like a person during the conversation, I felt like an object or a goal to hit. Like she always wanted to sex a Black guy and I was her way in.

NOPE, not me. I was like:

Some people confuse fetishizing as praise...I was in my head "ok, I'm tall and Black we get it...I'm also smart and enterprising...did you notice that as well?"

Portuguese? Wow. I'm glad you didn't allow yourself to be a test subject. I'm sure some other men would have said you have should hit it and quit it first.

Deleted member 1946 · 5/9/23

lexodyssey said:
I haven't dealt with that personally so it's hard to say. I think it's fine to have preferences but when they start wanting/insisting you to play out racial stereotypes is when it can possibly be a problem.

Also, when your race is all the person can talk about, even if it's a compliment. Things like "you're my beautiful girl" become "you're my beautiful black girl". Those are some signs I would look out for but I guess it's up to the one being fetishized to decide if they're uncomfortable or not.

Good point. Some of these folks treat somebody of another race like they are on a pedastal.

Jay · 5/9/23

educatedman23 said:
Portuguese? Wow. I'm glad you didn't allow yourself to be a test subject. I'm sure some other men would have said you have should hit it and quit it first.

Yup but thats why you can’t be thirsty.

RCNAL · 5/12/23

My personal opinion is if you are completely into a different race dating wise, there is some deeper psychological issue going on. And its not a good one.

And to be fair the same can be said within the black community. Some men only date light skinned women. Some women only like dark guys. I personally have a thing for very dark, petite sisters with a track sprinter booty (haha..I'm saying too much) but I can attribute that to running track most of my youth and dating girls on track teams.

Anyway, I've met white women who only date black men. white men who only date Asian, black men who only date Latina or Asian (usually passport bros), or whatever. Very, very few have many platonic relationships with the opposite gender in their race or ethnicity.

I got a white friend who is only into Asian women. He hates white women. Has very few white female friends. He'll have latina or black female friends but not white women. I've noticed that's a pattern. My guess is he got rejected by his own white girls. But its a guess.

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