The Cookout

Caprice · 11/17/21

What are wifey duties and girlfriend duties?

Some women do the most while dating a guy (cook his dinner, wash his clothes, clean his place, etc), hoping that he would put a ring on it. And then if he doesn’t, they move on and do less for the next guy because they’re afraid of being taken advantage of.

What’s a happy medium?

Red Velvet · 11/17/21

Caprice said:
What are wifey duties and girlfriend duties?

Some women do the most while dating a guy (cook his dinner, wash his clothes, clean his place, etc), hoping that he would put a ring on it. And then if he doesn’t, they move on and do less for the next guy because they’re afraid of being taken advantage of.

What’s a happy medium?

Girl,

RECIPROCITY
RECIPROCITY
RECIPROCITY

I used to say stuff like ”I‘ll only do that if he put a ring on it” but I realized that everyone that says that typically isn’t married. Meet your man where he’s at. If your man is giving you 100%, match his 100%. If he’s giving you 80%, match his 80%. If you’re cooking, cleaning, washing dishes and he‘s doing the same for you who really cares about if you’re married or not? That becomes formality at that point.

lexodyssey · 11/17/21

Red Velvet said:
Girl,

RECIPROCITY
RECIPROCITY
RECIPROCITY

I used to say stuff like ”I‘ll only do that if he put a ring on it” but I realized that everyone that says that typically isn’t married. Meet your man where he’s at. If your man is giving you 100%, match his 100%. If he’s giving you 80%, match his 80%. If you’re cooking, cleaning, washing dishes and he‘s doing the same for you who really cares about if you’re married or not? That becomes formality at that point.

I couldn't agree more! I'm definitely an energy matcher, and if I'm doing 100% and he's not, I'll start pulling back. Even more so if at the point where we've had a conversation about it and he still didn't try to show more effort.

Bruh Man · 11/17/21

Red Velvet said:
Girl,

RECIPROCITY
RECIPROCITY
RECIPROCITY

I used to say stuff like ”I‘ll only do that if he put a ring on it” but I realized that everyone that says that typically isn’t married. Meet your man where he’s at. If your man is giving you 100%, match his 100%. If he’s giving you 80%, match his 80%. If you’re cooking, cleaning, washing dishes and he‘s doing the same for you who really cares about if you’re married or not? That becomes formality at that point.

You kickin game. Listen to bruh too cuz he gon let you know what track you on. If he ain’t tryna lock you down he gon make that shit clear in his answers. You ask, where’s this going? He will be on some:

A nigga that gon marry you gon let you know. A lot of y’all be dating ain’t shit niggas and try turn them into the type of Nigga that will marry you. Be cooking for a jail bird and then making the real dude wait. You end up striking out twice.

sourgrapes · 11/18/21

I agree about the percentage. You may be in a relationship but that doesn't mean you only give 50%.

You give 100%. If he wants to drop his percentage, you do it as well but this changes when you are married. If he is at 80% on some days, you give 120% and the same goes for him. Marriage is about balance and making sure your partner knows you have their back. They should have your back too. That is how I see it anyways.

Blackgravity · 11/18/21

I think it depends on the individual, I'm OCD about a few things. I do my own laundry and I cook most of the meals.(I'm a better cook) and it might sound weird but I don't like anyone cleaning my kitchen, (I'm very particular about cleaning certain things)
but as far as "duties" we just take care of what needs to be taken care of, same with the money situation, with a shared account(s) I just tell her don't ever zero out and we are good. We don't fight over "duties" life is too short, we work together to make living an experience not a chore.

Jay · 11/18/21

sourgrapes said:
I agree about the percentage. You may be in a relationship but that doesn't mean you only give 50%.

You give 100%. If he wants to drop his percentage, you do it as well but this changes when you are married. If he is at 80% on some days, you give 120% and the same goes for him. Marriage is about balance and making sure your partner knows you have their back. They should have your back too. That is how I see it anyways.

I personally feel that marriage is a piece of paper and that your relationship prior to marriage is going to be the same relationship you have after you're married. The ceremony may lead the partners to believe that the relationship is more valid and make them try harder but that's unsustainable. As soon as the "new car smell" of marriage wears off their relationship will fall back into the routine they had before. Everyone has their own thing but I personally don't have to wait to be married to act like a husband. Once I'm serious about you and know you're worth it, I will give you my all...it's on her to respond accordingly.

Goldilocks · 11/19/21

Caprice said:
What are wifey duties and girlfriend duties?

Some women do the most while dating a guy (cook his dinner, wash his clothes, clean his place, etc), hoping that he would put a ring on it. And then if he doesn’t, they move on and do less for the next guy because they’re afraid of being taken advantage of.

What’s a happy medium?

Date with the intention to marry. Let him know when you meet him you are looking to get married and don’t play house AKA move in with him before you are married.

Cooking and clean is cool but there should be a limit because obviously you don’t live there. The overwhelming majority of men I have ever dated were super tidy so I never had to clean up for them. I would just help clean or clean up for things we did together. That should be the limit if you don’t live there.

And if you tell a man you are dating to marry up front they will be honest about their intentions. If he hits you with any answer that he’s not looking for anything serious unless he “meets the right one” move on. Success is intentional not an accident.

Troy · 11/19/21

Goldilocks said:
don’t play house AKA move in with him before you are married.

How is living together “playing house”? Don’t you think it makes more sense to test drive a car before signing the finance documents? I think it makes sense to test how you do living together so you can build your habits together and then make it official with a wedding. To each their own but I don’t believe that living together is playing house.

Red Velvet · 11/21/21

lexodyssey said:
I couldn't agree more! I'm definitely an energy matcher, and if I'm doing 100% and he's not, I'll start pulling back. Even more so if at the point where we've had a conversation about it and he still didn't try to show more effort.

It’s the easiest way to not get your feelings hurt. You can sometimes raise your energy to see if they match it but pegging your energy to their is the easiest way to keep your expectation and investment in check.

Goldilocks · 11/25/21

Troy said:
How is living together “playing house”? Don’t you think it makes more sense to test drive a car before signing the finance documents? I think it makes sense to test how you do living together so you can build your habits together and then make it official with a wedding. To each their own but I don’t believe that living together is playing house.

Preforming like a wife/husband without being married is exactly what playing house is.

The test drive is the dating and spending time together. Also if playing house actually lead to marriage our community would be at the forefront.

Troy · 11/26/21

Goldilocks said:
Preforming like a wife/husband without being married is exactly what playing house is.

The test drive is the dating and spending time together. Also if playing house actually lead to marriage our community would be at the forefront.

Dating and spending time is not the same as living together. You are still seeing part of a person’s representative until you live with them everyday.

To each their own but I think the government co-signing my relationship anymore valid. In addition not being married didn’t destroy us white supremacy did.

Marriage doesn’t fix issues with access to capital, overpolicing, etc. We’d be in the forefront without racism.

Goldilocks · 11/27/21

Troy said:
Dating and spending time is not the same as living together. You are still seeing part of a person’s representative until you live with them everyday.

To each their own but I think the government co-signing my relationship anymore valid. In addition not being married didn’t destroy us white supremacy did.

Marriage doesn’t fix issues with access to capital, overpolicing, etc. We’d be in the forefront without racism.

Making a legal contract that imposes consequences for leaving that union absolutely makes it more valid.

I bet you wouldn’t rent out a property without a lease…but people should combine their life, money, and children with a person who literally can leave at anytime leaving them significantly disadvantaged? Yeah nah

Shacking up gives men and women the benefits of marriage without the consequences. Within a marriage if you cheat, empty out the joint bank account or just simply leave whatever you feel like it there are consequence. If you are shacking up there are none.

Contracts are valid.

And if you are really dating someone and you see each other daily you will know how they live. It’s not rocket science.

Troy · 11/27/21

Goldilocks said:
Making a legal contract that imposes consequences for leaving that union absolutely makes it more valid.

I bet you wouldn’t rent out a property without a lease…but people should combine their life, money, and children with a person who literally can leave at anytime leaving them significantly disadvantaged? Yeah nah

Shacking up gives men and women the benefits of marriage without the consequences. Within a marriage if you cheat, empty out the joint bank account or just simply leave whatever you feel like it there are consequence. If you are shacking up there are none.

Contracts are valid.

And if you are really dating someone and you see each other daily you will know how they live. It’s not rocket science.

Yes but you put and administration layer to separation, there’s pros and cons. It’s like when people say that renting is throwing away because you don’t have no equity but it’s like “no, I get flexibility and included maintenance. If it no longer works out for me I can bounce…that’s a good trade off to me”.

I look at it from that frame of mind. If I’m serious I will want to live together and see how that works out. After about 6 months to a year I’ll marry her. At the end of the day there’s no right or wrong answer, it’s whatever works for you.

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